The lie: I spent my Friday night alone because the person I invited to hang out must’ve had better things to do and more important people to see because they didn’t respond to my text for hours and by the time they did, I was too angry and upset to hang out with them anyway and so I went to bed instead.
Between the LIEnes: You spent your Friday night alone because of how you responded to an unanswered text.
Believe me, as a recovering people-pleaser, I know it’s a shitty feeling when people don’t respond to you, and it’s extra shitty when you can see them posting on social media while your text remains nothing more than a little red bubble in their periphery. Who can blame you for starting a pity-party and inviting in all those negative thoughts you have about yourself?
I’m not important enough to warrant a reply.
They’re not replying because they think I’m boring and don’t want to hang out with me.
They don’t want to spend time with me because they’re too busy doing more important things.
I’m clearly not worth making time for so why would they reply?
And before you know it, you’ve thought yourself into a pretty shit mood and reduced your self-worth to ruins.
And it wasn’t simply the unanswered text that caused this but rather, all the negative thoughts that spiralled out of control in response to that unanswered text.
Parallels can be drawn between these spiralling thoughts and our body’s inflammatory response.
When pathogens like viruses or bacteria enter our body, our immune system immediately charges into battle, activating dozens of pathways as part of its mission to destroy the unwelcome intruder. And like with any battle, there’s carnage, and in this particular battle, that carnage is inflammation.
Inflammation is responsible for us having to blow our noses every ten minutes until the skin under our nostrils is red-raw.
Inflammation is to blame for that glass-shards-in-your-throat feeling when you swallow.
Inflammation saps our energy to the point where even the most basic of tasks take Herculean effort.
Inflammation debilitates us with body aches that make every movement a struggle, including blinking.
It’s terrifying how much havoc an unwelcome, microscopic pathogen can wreak on our bodies, right?
Or more accurately, it’s terrifying how much havoc our bodies cause themselves as part of their response to a microscopic pathogen.
And it’s terrifying how much havoc our minds can cause us as part of their response to a minor social inconvenience.
But – and I know this is a bitter pill to swallow – how you choose to respond to others’ behaviour is entirely up to you. And if you’re letting others’ behaviour get you down and stop you from doing what you want to do, then you’re living in a chronic state of inflammation.
Consider this bitter pill an anti-inflammatory, a way to halt those spiralling thoughts in their tracks and question them with logic and reason.
Is it typical for this person to take forever to respond to you? If not, then maybe they’re dealing with a personal or family crisis. Or they’re stuck at work without access to their phone. There’s likely a genuine, valid reason for their lack of response – it’s very unlikely that they’re not responding because of you.
If it is typical of this person to take forever to respond (and to be posting on social media in the interim), there are better responses than torturing yourself with spiralling thoughts about how you’re not worthy of their time and affection and wondering if you said or did something to warrant them ignoring you.
Avoid texting them last minute – give them a chance to respond before the intended hang-out date/time.
Ask them if something’s wrong and assure them that they can confide in you if they so choose.
If symptoms of ghosting persist, objectively question whether the friendship is worth maintaining. Would you rather adjust to their absence or be continually frustrated by their presence? I’m all for being understanding of people’s circumstances and reasonings for not upholding good communication etiquette but lines must be drawn to protect your wellbeing.
Think about all that leftover energy you’ll have from not going into an inflammatory thought spiral – you can use it to make new connections and reconnect with yourself. And maybe to summon the strength to confront your fear of losing people and rise above it.
While we can’t consciously control our immune system’s response to unwelcome pathogens, we can consciously dictate our responses to unwelcome thoughts or situations, if we so choose.
And we should so choose.
A life of chronic inflammation is debilitating, and just like we’ve learned to take conscious precautions against bacteria and viruses (wash your damn hands), we can also learn how to protect ourselves from falling victim to our own negative thought spirals.
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